I was scrolling through FaceBook one day and came across a post in a secular group I'm a part of. The Mama was wanting to get some solidarity and sympathy. One of her troubles that she was venting about was how her teen back-talks her and she asked how do others handle it? My immediate thought was "we just don't allow it". But coming from a perspective without Christ.....how *do* you handle it?
I read through a few of the comments, but decided to just skip past it because it was making me soooo sad. They were all about how to punish the offender, or how angry the mom gets, or how they give them so many chances then just blow up and they each storm off to different rooms, or the worst one I saw...."oh it's just typical teen behavior". Not a single solution offered dealt with the real issue.
What is the real issue? It's a heart issue for sure. It's sin, yes, but to be specific it's a lack of obedience and respect. You could probably come up with a couple more, but I think those are the main two.
After scrolling past, I kept thinking about that conversation between those many mom's. And I seriously began to question how our family handled it. The truth is, back-talking doesn't happen very often in our home. It happens! Just not very often. I began to wonder why that is? I mean, I work hard to never allow it and to teach our kids to be respectful and obedient, but why aren't my teens and tweens having this "typical" behavior?
During an online Homeschool Conference last year I "attended" (from the comfort of my own home. Twas amazing.) I heard Hal and Melanie Young talk about how to have the heart of your teen and tween. I *love* listening to them speak!! The first thing I learned was what exactly a tween is and that I have two of them. 🤣 I've heard the term for years, but never knew the age range for it. Didn't really care to be honest. haha!
Anywho, my big take away was you should be working to have your child's heart from Day 1. Not wait until they are teens and pulling away from you, and *then* start working on it. And then you'd wonder why in the world they won't talk to you and why they are acting out so much. Start working on your relationship from the beginning. Let's face it. When they are babies it's super easy to have a relationship with them. Not only are they so cute and cuddly, they can't talk. But you can still be working on it. Then when they get to age two and hit that huge growth spurt that results in them acting up more, don't stop!! Even when it's crazy, crazy hard, don't quit. Don't stop, no matter what age they are. Work hard on developing a strong relationship with them, always talk to them, let them know you're there - night or day, about anything and everything - and you'll always be there for them, GOD willing.
When they come to you all serious about something, but you just find it oh so cute and comical, take them seriously. Listen to their heart and encourage them. When they come to you about something difficult, treat them the same way.
Then, when at last you make it to those years that hormones start running wild - and yes, that happens in the tween years - you can have conversations with them. They will respect you because you have shown them that you respect them. As the years move on and the hormones rage even more, you will have days where it's tough. There will be attitudes, back-talking, disrespect, disobedience.....but you'll be able to sit down with them and talk.
And they will listen!! *And* hear you!
Right now I've only got one teen who is turning 15 in a few weeks. Then I have two tweens, ages 10 and 9. So I'm not that far along in my journey of teens and tweens. But so far I've found it to be true - work to have their hearts and they will listen and respect you during these years. Do I think it will always be this "easy"? Nope. Do I think that I will have each of my kids hearts and they will never stray? No, but I pray for it to be so and we are working hard to make it happen. Do I think I have it all together and will always have a household that has little back-talking? Not a bit, but, again, I pray for that to happen and work towards it.
How do you practically handle back-talking? For us, when something shows itself to be a recurring problem, we take time to talk to the child about it. We show them from Scripture why it's wrong and how they should be acting. Next we talk about how they personally can handle it the right way, giving them concrete examples. We also inform them of the consequence if they continue doing this wrong behavior. Now comes the hard part. Following through. The next time they commit the offense, no matter what it is, I have to administer the punishment.
Questions to ask yourself:
-Do you show them with your example what it looks like to be submissive? Or do you "back-talk" your husband?
-Do you set them up to succeed at back-talking you? By this I mean, do you give them multiple chances to stop, so that you're basically encouraging them to back-talk you? I know you're not really encouraging it, but if you never follow through with the consequence that you've informed them of, then they are going to try again and again and see how long they can get away with it.
And lastly, piggy-backing off the previous....
-Do you administer discipline at the first offense? I find this one to be very hard. But it's so important. Kids, of all ages, need to know their boundaries. You'll find they thrive when they know their limits. It may take time, but they will thrive under boundaries.
Don't grow weary, Mama!!
I read through a few of the comments, but decided to just skip past it because it was making me soooo sad. They were all about how to punish the offender, or how angry the mom gets, or how they give them so many chances then just blow up and they each storm off to different rooms, or the worst one I saw...."oh it's just typical teen behavior". Not a single solution offered dealt with the real issue.
What is the real issue? It's a heart issue for sure. It's sin, yes, but to be specific it's a lack of obedience and respect. You could probably come up with a couple more, but I think those are the main two.
After scrolling past, I kept thinking about that conversation between those many mom's. And I seriously began to question how our family handled it. The truth is, back-talking doesn't happen very often in our home. It happens! Just not very often. I began to wonder why that is? I mean, I work hard to never allow it and to teach our kids to be respectful and obedient, but why aren't my teens and tweens having this "typical" behavior?
During an online Homeschool Conference last year I "attended" (from the comfort of my own home. Twas amazing.) I heard Hal and Melanie Young talk about how to have the heart of your teen and tween. I *love* listening to them speak!! The first thing I learned was what exactly a tween is and that I have two of them. 🤣 I've heard the term for years, but never knew the age range for it. Didn't really care to be honest. haha!
Anywho, my big take away was you should be working to have your child's heart from Day 1. Not wait until they are teens and pulling away from you, and *then* start working on it. And then you'd wonder why in the world they won't talk to you and why they are acting out so much. Start working on your relationship from the beginning. Let's face it. When they are babies it's super easy to have a relationship with them. Not only are they so cute and cuddly, they can't talk. But you can still be working on it. Then when they get to age two and hit that huge growth spurt that results in them acting up more, don't stop!! Even when it's crazy, crazy hard, don't quit. Don't stop, no matter what age they are. Work hard on developing a strong relationship with them, always talk to them, let them know you're there - night or day, about anything and everything - and you'll always be there for them, GOD willing.
When they come to you all serious about something, but you just find it oh so cute and comical, take them seriously. Listen to their heart and encourage them. When they come to you about something difficult, treat them the same way.
Then, when at last you make it to those years that hormones start running wild - and yes, that happens in the tween years - you can have conversations with them. They will respect you because you have shown them that you respect them. As the years move on and the hormones rage even more, you will have days where it's tough. There will be attitudes, back-talking, disrespect, disobedience.....but you'll be able to sit down with them and talk.
And they will listen!! *And* hear you!
Right now I've only got one teen who is turning 15 in a few weeks. Then I have two tweens, ages 10 and 9. So I'm not that far along in my journey of teens and tweens. But so far I've found it to be true - work to have their hearts and they will listen and respect you during these years. Do I think it will always be this "easy"? Nope. Do I think that I will have each of my kids hearts and they will never stray? No, but I pray for it to be so and we are working hard to make it happen. Do I think I have it all together and will always have a household that has little back-talking? Not a bit, but, again, I pray for that to happen and work towards it.
How do you practically handle back-talking? For us, when something shows itself to be a recurring problem, we take time to talk to the child about it. We show them from Scripture why it's wrong and how they should be acting. Next we talk about how they personally can handle it the right way, giving them concrete examples. We also inform them of the consequence if they continue doing this wrong behavior. Now comes the hard part. Following through. The next time they commit the offense, no matter what it is, I have to administer the punishment.
Questions to ask yourself:
-Do you show them with your example what it looks like to be submissive? Or do you "back-talk" your husband?
-Do you set them up to succeed at back-talking you? By this I mean, do you give them multiple chances to stop, so that you're basically encouraging them to back-talk you? I know you're not really encouraging it, but if you never follow through with the consequence that you've informed them of, then they are going to try again and again and see how long they can get away with it.
And lastly, piggy-backing off the previous....
-Do you administer discipline at the first offense? I find this one to be very hard. But it's so important. Kids, of all ages, need to know their boundaries. You'll find they thrive when they know their limits. It may take time, but they will thrive under boundaries.
Don't grow weary, Mama!!
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