Ezra's due date was this past week. With the quarantine and just the weirdness of life right now, it kinda snuck up on me. Two Saturday's ago, seemingly out of the blue, I started feeling down, wanting to cry, and just feeling blah in general. It took me most of the day to connect the dots and realize what was going on.
I was and am still grieving. I've been told by quite a few people, including my own Momma who lost a baby around 12 weeks as well, that it's a long journey. She still struggles around the anniversary of her Baby's death over 30 years later. I knew I would struggle, but I didn't think it would be this hard.
Sunday morning came and I was fighting tears all morning. During the Morning Worship service I all the sudden realized I was sitting there thinking about myself, about Ezra and basically just feeling sorry for myself. After giving myself a hard mental slap, I did some praying and tried to focus. I didn't succeed, but I tried
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Monday came and Aunt Flo visited. I was feeling down. Feeling sorry for myself. Again. I kept thinking "I should be feeling huge right now" or "I would be struggling to just stand up right now if Ezra were alive" or "I should be looking forward to holding my baby in a few days".
Thinking " I should be doing this" isn't a good or productive thing to do, let me tell ya. Plus it's just not true!! GOD's plan is perfect and He chose to have Ezra go live with Him. And I need to be content with that. After that pep talk and reminder, I started thinking about the Blessings I have. GOD gave us 8 beautiful children that He has allowed us to keep and hold. I needed to focus on that, along with all the other many blessings that I've been given.
After Ezra's death, we started an 'Ezra Memory Book'. We wrote down how we felt when we learned of him, the events and feelings surrounding his death and birth, what we did, the blessing we saw, the time I had to spend in the hospital......we just wanted to remember all those little details, especially how we saw GOD working and moving. It was also healing to write it all down. My husband and I both took time to write in that book this past week.
My husband's evening sermon was on the topic of grieving. In GOD's great, amazing, perfect plan, the next passage "just happened to be" on this topic.
Isaiah 37 is where the sermon came from. It was about Hezekiah's grief. My husband gave 5 points that I'll quickly share with you.
1) Acknowledge the trouble
Verse 1 - King Hezekiah heard the news
2) We understand it
Verse 1 - he mourned with tearing his clothes and covering himself in sackcloth
3) We take it to the LORD
Verse 1 - he went into the House of the LORD
Verse 15-6 - he prays. GOD is greater than the trouble we face
4) Make it public
Verse 2-4 - he asked GOD's people to pray
5) Be encouraged
Verse 6 - GOD *will* deliver you!!
(Here is the link if you want to listen to the full sermon. The Right Response. You'll have to scroll down and find that sermon title.)
When hard things come, when you're sad and grieving, its okay to feel sad and grieve! Even Jesus wept when His close friend died. But we need to keep our gaze on Christ and focus on all the many things He has done for us. We need to cling to the fact that His plan *is* perfect!! No matter how hard it is, no matter how much we wish it were different, no matter how little we understand why and what's going on.....His. Plan. Is. Perfect.
Take time to grieve. To feel sad. To cry. But then lift your eyes up and remember all the things He has done. Draw close to Him. He will deliver you.
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