Bedrest.....again

 I am so emotional today. I wasn't able to cry last night or this morning, but now? Now I'm able to cry. 

Early Saturday morning I started spotting and knew immediately I needed to be on bedrest. I called my Midwife and she 100% agreed. Since I wasn't cramping or bleeding any more than spotting, we were both hopeful that Baby was okay. 

Monday afternoon my Midwife came to visit me and sure enough! We heard a nice strong heartbeat!! Such a relief to hear. Then I asked her to check me to see if my cervix was where it was supposed to be or if it was being unruly and moving forward like my last pregnancy. She found it right where it belonged and closed. But she also found something else. Some sort of growth. After a more thorough exam and discussion, our plan is that I'm to remain on bedrest, we will get an ultrasound to see if we can determine exactly what this growth is and if it's any danger to Baby or I. I might need to see an OBGYN and possibly get a biopsy. 

All of this terrifies me. 

Then there is all the emotions that come with bedrest. 

I'm not gonna lie. This is really, *really* hard. 

It's hard not being able to be up. It's hard watching my husband have to get up and down during the night to bring me the baby so I can nurse, and then again to put the baby back to bed. It's hard watching him deal with the emotional side of this and take on more at home, all while doing all his normal pastor responsibilities. It's hard watching my older kids have to step up and do more and lose their free time. It's hard watching my littles just wanting mama and I can't pick them up. It's just hard. 

BUT!!!!

Baby is alive and well right now. I have this huge family that loves me and will do anything for me. I have a husband who reminds me daily (and usually several times a day) that he's here for me, he will do anything for me, he's not going anywhere, and that he loves me. I have older kids who are joyfully helping out with chores, cooking, and caring for babies. I have a church family who drops by a meal as soon as they hear what's going on. I have a comfortable bed and couch on which to lounge. And I could go on and on and on. 

I was sitting here sobbing, thinking I can't do this again, and feeling myself sink into depression....I realized I had a choice. I can keep going down that path of sadness and depression or I can choose joy and thankfulness. 

I choose joy. 

Will I always do it right? Ha! No way. Will I find myself feeling really down? Most likely. But I'm going to work very hard on choosing joy. And I'm taking action. 

I'm creating a "Bedrest Notebook" and in it I will have a section for prayer requests and praises. Another for verses that encourage and help me. And another to write down everything I'm thankful for. I might add a few more sections, but for right now, this will get me started. Just sitting here telling you how hard all this is and that I'm taking action has helped me a lot. So thank you for listening. 😊

This week will be interesting I think. Our oldest had plans to go to her Grandma's house tomorrow, spend some time visiting, work on writing her book, and meeting with her art designer for her book. Saturday there is a youth event that will close out her week. When all this bedrest stuff popped up, none of us were sure she would get to go. She was working sooooo hard on being joyful and accepting whatever plan GOD had for her. Last night Dad and I sat down to figure out our plan for handling bedrest this week and decided she should still get to go. She's thrilled!!

Our next oldest kids will fill in the gap, we'll do more movies and video games, meals will be super simple, and I'm buying paper plates and bowls. 😁 This I know - GOD will provide and will give us all strength to get through this week and whatever else He has planned for us.